This is the first article in a several part series.
I have a confession to make.
For decades, I’ve worked with high-performing executives, led teams, and coached leaders on how to communicate effectively. But recently, a new framework hit me right between the eyes and made me realize just how often I—and the brilliant leaders I work with—still fall into some dangerous communication traps.
It all started with a book I am absolutely loving right now called Fight Less, Win More by Jonathan Smith and Derek Gaunt. It’s essentially a practical, boots-on-the-ground field guide to Chris Voss’s legendary negotiation framework from Never Split the Difference.
Honestly, I wish I had this book 30 years ago. Among other things, it completely debunks old-school dogmas like Getting to Yes (Fisher and Ury) and reminds us that real connection actually happens when we help people feel safe enough to say no—because that’s when they feel in control.
But my absolute favorite takeaway breaks down The 5 Levels of Listening.
When I recently introduced this framework to an executive team, the room went quiet. They had a massive aha-moment as they realized they were consistently operating at the lowest levels, entirely blind to the detrimental impact it was having on their culture and clients.
Let’s look at the first two levels—the ones that do the most hidden damage.
The Relationship Killers
Most of us like to think we are good listeners. But if we are being honest, most of our daily interactions fall into these two categories:
Level 1: Listening Intermittently
This is the “distracted split.” You have one ear on your counterpart and one ear firmly tuned into your own internal monologue. You’re catching every third sentence while mentally checking your to-do list.
Level 2: Listening to Hijack
This is the “waiting room.” You listen only enough to inform your response. The moment you grasp their point, your attention shifts entirely to formatting the brilliant thing you want to say the second they shut up.
The Hard Truth: Operating at Levels 1 and 2 will actively damage your relationships.
When we listen to hijack or listen intermittently, the other person never feels truly heard. They feel tolerated. It breeds subtle resentment, fuels miscommunication, and erodes trust—whether you are sitting in a high-stakes board meeting or across the dinner table from your partner.
How to Break the Habit
Shifting into deeper levels of listening—where you actually understand someone’s internal logic and emotions—takes time. But you don’t need to master deep, master-level empathy by lunchtime. You just need to stop hijacking the conversation.
If you want to test your own habits and actively improve your relationships today, try this simple challenge.
The 3-Second Pause Challenge
In your very next conversation, commit to one rule: When the other person finishes speaking, count to three in your head before you say a single word.
This tiny, intentional buffer forces your brain out of “hijack mode.” It stops you from accidentally cutting people off, ensures you actually digest their final sentence, and signals to the speaker that you value their thoughts more than your own immediate response.
Over to You
True listening is a muscle, and most of us have been letting it atrophy at Levels 1 and 2.
Try out the 3-second pause during your next meeting or phone call. How did it change the dynamic? More importantly, when you find yourself distracted, are you more of a Level 1 intermittent listener, or a Level 2 conversational hijacker?
Leave a comment below and let’s talk about it. No judgment here—I’ve been guilty of both!
Remember, Suffering is Optional, Progress is Powerful.
If you are struggling with any of the things I have written about I offer help in 3 ways:
- One-on-one executive coaching or high potential group coaching
- Team coaching through the Team Purpose to Performance™ process
- Speaking at your next conference or facilitating your next offsite to bring this Self-Lead-Meant™ content alive